You hurt me you know. It was hard, really hard at the beginning. And then it got better. It wasn’t that I had forgotten about you, I just had learnt how to live without you. I had learnt how to get over all that memories that came up to my mind every time I heard your name, every time I saw a picture of you, every time I thought I heard your voice, but obviously it wasn’t yours. How could it have been yours, you were kilometers away, what miracle could have bring you back to me. I will never completely forget about you. How could I possibly forget this? All these moments spent together, all this happiness, all the laughs and tears sometimes. The best years of my life I would say. I wanted to thank you for all that happiness, for all the times you were by my side, helping me out when I needed it. You’ve been the nicest person ever to me and I will never forget this. You cared about me when I was sick, when I was mad at you, when I was sad. Sometimes you were even the only one caring, the only one who knew how I felt. And you didn’t try to change me, you didn’t want to change my views on the world. Now I can tell you, even if I probably told you already, that you are my first love. You are, or you were, the first person who was always in my mind. My first thought in the morning and my last at night. I was in love with you, and I probably still am. But I don’t want to think about this.
We planned to do everything together, to spend holidays together, to go on more dates,... but we never did. I think we did all that was possible for us to do. We were young, well, I was, and I didn’t know anything about love. Now I do, and I know that love hurts, a lot.
Also, I wanted to apologize. I am sorry, sorry for leaving you there, on your own. I don’t know how you feel about it. I never had any news from you, maybe it was too hard for you as well, or maybe you just completely forgot about me. This is probably my worst fear, you forgetting about me.
All this hurts me now, thinking about this sometimes makes my eyes cry, my stomach hurt and my heart break, again. It’s hard writing to you, it’s hard thinking about you for more than ten minutes, hard to think that all this will never happen again, hard to think it is over. You used to tell me that you would never let me go, but you did, you let me go. I was forced to leave, I never wanted to do that to you. And now, I don’t know why, but I blame you for the pain I get by missing you, missing your smile and your voice, missing your laugh and your hugs. I knew what was coming next, I knew that it had to happen but I pulled you in this, I pulled you where we shouldn’t have been, I made you fall in love with me, as you made me fall in love with you.
Ten times I wanted to call you, ten times I told myself not to because it would have been too painful to hear that voice again. Ten times I tried to write this letter, ten times I threw the drafts away, but here you go, this one will be the last one. The last one I’ll ever write to you, maybe to thank you, maybe to say goodbye, one last time.
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